As Christians, it is both implied and explicit (Genesis 2:18) that it is not good for us (read, “Man”, ‘emphasis added‘) to be alone. Navigating this truth can be very difficult and often full of twists, turns and (the wrong kind) of surprises. Though a heaping portion of the gift of discernment is not given to everyone, we are all told to ‘test the spirits’ (1 John 4:1; in context if we are Berean in our approach then we should be guided by our beliefs to the best of our Godly knowledge and counsel). We find ourselves praying for a mate, praying for a specific mate, wondering why we are alone, etc. Coming from the world, we are familiar with the concept of having ‘a type’. God’s sanitizing presence legitimizes some (or much) of it, but it all eventually takes a back seat to a mate’s Godliness.

To start with, I’ve said in my practice that it may be helpful to look for or to be aware of the tripartite nature of a mate or in practical/functional terms, to look for a Husband/Wife, Friend and Brother/Sister in the same person. We will reasonably recapitulate the first two domains. The Husband/Wife actually represents the Flesh, being that we’re told to cling to one another to become one flesh and the friendship represents our soul(s), as a friendship is the purest form of a relationship, also representing our psychology in that we simply know each other’s ins and outs, like/dislikes, etc.

The third domain would be the Brother/Sister relationship. This relationship is of The Spirit, biblically sound by way of The Song of Solomon 4:12 where the man refers to the woman as his ‘sister, my wife’ (the woman later refers to the man as her brother she wishes she could kiss in the street but that was in reference to a Jewish custom where one could only be publicly affectionate with family members). This domain is of The Spirit because it refers to our membership in The Holy Communion; we will not be married to each other in Heaven and our respective souls are God’s primary concern regarding this. In other words, if we’re part of a marriage/relationship that failed we must remember that God knows what is best for both of us and this brother/sister relationship should encourage peace and cease all animosity (because it’s not about ‘you’ or us, more descriptively). The long story made short is that we must never forget that we are brother and sister in Christ above our own interests.

This is why a person’s Godliness far outweighs any other factor when seeking, though the other factors are also quite indispensable. In fact, this is why the subtitle of this post is ‘do we have a type’. We do, body-type, personality type, I would never contradict God’s match-making ability because He is clear to bring perfect mates together. What I’m doing in this post is shining a light on the brother/sister aspect. Put plainly, we stereotype (or serialize) because of our fallen nature; we look for archetypes because if not for the apple we’d know both who they really were and who we really are. The foundation of my practice is of a hierarchal nature, The Spirit on top, The Soul/Psychology/Identity beneath (with a permeable boundary in between, constituting belief or Faith) and the Flesh at the bottom (again, in reference to the Tripartite man).

As it is objective for me to seek for clients to understand the difference between our psychology and our spirit (we can’t think away spiritual problems, correct? What we can do in the spirit realm is limited because there are/is another person(s) and we are very small, so we should seek to be cared for in Holiness), it is objective for me here to provide a way to navigate between the domains in a healthy way.

Praying for specific mates

I’m of the mind that we should never pray for specific mates. Here are the reasons:

• Too close to sorcery: Can we admit it would be a bit weird if we prayed for someone in particular and they showed up? Do we tell them we prayed for them? What do we do now? What if it turns out we don’t like them like that?
• Who’s serving who here: Again, are we to ask God to ‘bring forth the young maiden that I may be pleased within myself, for she pleases my eye’ (I’m paraphrasing)?
• Tricking ourselves into believing we have avenues we don’t really have: Remember in 1 Samuel 8:4-22, when Israel wanted an Earthly king and God basically said, ‘you do not want this’ and Israel replied ‘yes, we do’? Israel did not recover from this until Jesus.
• Doctrine of preeminence: Again, how are you so sure that you are perfect for them? God is looking after them too, particularly that you’re seeking a Godly mate who has their own relationship with God this doctrine (that he comes first in all matters including relationships) must be observed and understood.

You can square all of the above with the phrasing “I need A wife/husband and not THAT wife/husband; God knows who is best for me whoever it may be, no matter how much I believe this person is for me.” This stance represents total trust in his guidance. I often say that God does not compromise free will and this is where our blunders come from: we simply try to outpace Him most of the time and it never works. Patience is key in this area. It doesn’t mean to do nothing, but if a person is out of reach, we must wait until they are in reach, careful not to look too far beyond ourselves or to stray into covetousness. We must remember that God will not compromise The Holy Communion and is responsive to correct any overreach. The name Jesus will stand un-assailed in its integrity, no matter what we see in the culture. God knows what He is doing.

Until next time, take care.

Gregory Longmore, LMHC is an online-only Christian Professional Mental Health therapist based in NYC.